RENT: In A Nutshell
by ListenNatalie
Summary: [MR Parody now added!] My shortened, parody version of RENT. NOW includes my take on MR fanfic.
1. Chapter 1

_**So, I've seen this done with Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and they always make me laugh. I'm not the funniest person ever but I thought I'd attempt it. I love RENT so don't think I'm making fun...I love every character like my own baby. If I had a baby. **_

_**I don't own RENT because if I did, it would have been a tad better movie.**_

_**

* * *

**_

**RENT (in a nutshell)**

_**Act I**_

**Mark:** Life sucks. But my scarf is cool.

**Roger:** Yeah. And I totally am emo. Watch me play.

**Mark:** Yeah, well, my ex-girlfriend left me for some sexy black woman. Go figure.

_Phone rings._

**Collins:** Hey, throw down the key fast so hopefully I don't get mugged by some street youth.

**Mark:** Okay (toss)

**Roger:** (eviction notice) Dear dudes, you're broke so I'm coming to take your shit. Ha ha. Love, Benny C. III

**Mark: **Great. Another chapter to my suicide note.

**Roger: **How we gonna pay last year's sublet?

**Mark:** No, we're the ones being rented to, so technically we're paying rent.

_M. & R. proceed to whine/burn stuff in loft. Interrupted by answering machine._

**Mark's mom:** Mark, you're Jewish. Call your mother.

_Meanwhile..._

**Angel:** Hey, I was just playing my drums but not loud enough so that I couldn't hear your muffled moans. You okay, honey?

**Collins:** Well, I'm bleeding on the inside, but other than that, I'm okay.

**Angel:** I have AIDS.

**Collins:** Me too.

**Angel:** Cool.

**Collins:** Yeah.

_Back at the loft..._

**Mark:** I'm going out.

**Roger:** I have AIDS and I'm depressed. No one's added me as a friend on MySpace yet.

**Mark:** WHOA TAKE UR AZT OMG!1!

**Roger:** (upset)

**Mark:** GEEZ

**Roger:** (frown) I'm going to play this tune I heard over and over again so it can drown out my sobbing.

_Roger sings and sings and cries alone. Goes back to loft._

**Mimi:** (knock)

**Roger:** (frown)

**Mimi:** Hey...I saw you in that MySpace group "Ex-Rockers with AIDS, No Girlfriend, and Gorgeous Green Eyes".

**Roger:** MYSPACE? (!)

**Mimi:** Yeah, would you be my friend?

**Roger:** YEAH! (wait) Um, maybe not.

**Mimi:** Oh. Okay. Well, I get like 12000000 profile views a day so you better add me soon because I'm totally popular and stuff with guys.

**Roger:** (scoff) Yeah whatever okay yeah whatever. Bye.

_Next day..._

**Collins:** Hey.

**Mark:** Yo.

**Roger:** Hmph.

**Collins:** Don't Hmph me, Roger. I brought you booze.

**Roger & Mark:** Yay!

**Collins:** Oh yeah. Angel!

**Angel: **Hellooooo. Watch me! (twirl, dance, drums, frolick)

**Collins, Roger, Mark:** Yay!

**Benny:** Ho ho ho!

**Mark:** Santa?

**Benny:** No, it's me. Maureen or a house?

**Roger:** Oh, we can handle Mau-

**Mark:** (interrupts) NO NO NO. Benny, go eff yourself. I hate you.

**Roger:** Er, me too.

**Collins & Angel:** (giggle)

_11th street lot..._

**Joanne:** (sigh)

**Mark: **Hi sexy black woman who must be Joanne.

**Joanne:** (grumble)

**Mark:** Oh. Bye.

**Joanne:** Ineedurhelp.

**Mark:** O.K. (fixes equipment)

**Joanne:** Awkward.

**Mark:** Fuckin' awkward.

**Joanne:** Maureen's crazy.

**Mark:** Oh Lord please. Don't be preachin' to the choir!

**Joanne:** (stare)

**Mark:** Bye. (leave)

_Life Support..._

**Paul: **Hey.

**Steve, Gordon, Ali, Pam, Sue, Angel, Collins:** Hi.

**Gordon:** (frowns)

**Paul:** You frown?

**Gordon:** I'm scared.

**Steve, Ali, Pam, Sue, Angel, Collins:** Us too.

**Mark: **(makes obnoxious racket) Sorry. I have clumsiness.

**Paul, Steve, Gordon, Ali, Pam, Sue, Angel, Collins: **We have AIDS. It's okay, Mark.

**Mark:** (smile)

_Somewhere on Avenue B..._

**Mimi:** Yay! I'm sexy! (commits felony of breaking & entering in Roger and Mark's loft) Take me out!

**Roger:** How dare you come in on me when I'm with my beloved guitar? Guitar doesn't like that...

**Mimi:** No day but today.

**Roger:** Yeah whatever.

_On the street..._

**Homeless woman:** Dollar?

**Mark:** Mmmm...

**Homeless woman:** Broke ass. Bye bye.

**Angel:** NYC sucks.

**Collins:** It's hot in Sante Fe. I don't need a coat there.

**Mark:** Um, okay?

**Collins:** New Mexico, yay!

**Mark & Angel:** Okay...

**Collins:** Angel, you are the bomb.

**Angel:** I know. So are you. (kiss) Only 999 more! (kiss x999)

**Collins: **Yay!

_Christmas bells are ringing..._

**Collins:** Ooo, cold!

**Angel:** Coat!

**Collins:** Sweet.

**Mark:** Um, Roger, you douche, she showed you her MySpace and you denied her?

**Roger:** I know. (pout) She'd be on my Top 8, too.

**Mark:** TOP 8! What about me?

**Roger:** Duh, you're number 1.

**Mark:** We're cool then. Hey, it's beginning to-

**Benny:** Hello Co-_hen_. Da-_vis_. Col-_lins_. Mi-_mi_...

**Angel:** (whispers) Benny never watched Seinfeld...

**Collins:** (shrugs)

**Roger:** Hey, Mimi, do you wanna-

**Mimi:** YES!

(Maureen rides in.)

**Maureen:** Hey diddle diddle,

the cat and the fiddle,

the cow jumped over the moon,

the little dog laughed to see such sport,

and the dish ran away with the spoon!

(RIOT!)

**Maureen:** Hey, it's just a nursery rhyme...

**Mark's camera:** Hahahaha, I rule.

_Life café..._

**Collins:** Where's Mark?

**Mark:** (runs in) **_E!_** just bought my video!

**Maureen: **Sleazy...but I like!

**Man at Life:** No, you can't-

**Angel:** Shut up, we have money. Boo ya.

(All laugh and commit unauthorized moving of the tables.)

**Collins:** Benny!

**Benny:** Hey...(squirm)

**Maureen:** You suck!

**Benny:** My dog died.

(All snicker.)

**Benny:** Hey, not funny. Bohemia is dead.

**Mark:** Eulogy...eulogy...(toasts) To masturbation!

**Roger:** To MySpace!

**Mimi:** To Betty Davis!

**Maureen:** To spandex!

**Joanne:** To plea bargaining!

**Collins:** To marijuana!

**Angel:** To control top pantyhose!

**Man at Life:** Oy vey.

Snowing...

**Roger:** Soooo, I have a beeper.

**Mimi:** Me too.

**Roger:** (smile)

**Mimi:** (kiss)

* * *

**_I tried. I tried not to be mean but I love everyone...that means Benny too. Act II I'm working on right now, so be ready!_**


	2. ACT II

_**Haha. So, I have a MySpace and it's pretty dang awesome. But probably not as awesome as Roger's would be if he had a MySpace…he'd probably have all these indie bands as his friends and take angled pics of him looking sad and bored. **_

_**Ergo…I probably shouldn't make fun of MySpace (because I have one) but sometimes it's really pathetic and stuff. **_

_**I don't own RENT, but I'm pretty sure it owns me.**_

_**

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**_

**Act II**

**Mimi:** Woo! Happy New Year! I'm quitting smack!

**Mark:** No booze for you.

**Maureen:** Chips?

**Mark:** (grumbles) Tease.

**Maureen:** Joanne, come this is me begging…blah blah I love you blah blah…

**Joanne:** (pops out) Surprise! Now let's get in so I can bail you out!

**Roger:** Life's worth living now! Thank you MySpace…and Mimi.

**Mimi**: Yay!

Collins & Angel: We dressed up and you didn't. Go kill yourselves.

Mark: (shrugs) Okay…

_Answering machine…_

**Mark's mother:** Mark, you're still Jewish and I'm schvitzing. Call your mother.

(skip)

**Ryan Seacrest:** YO WASSUPPPP! Mark, your tapes were phat and **_E!_** needs someone with some real talent. Seacrest OUT.

**Mark:** That was awkward.

**Maureen:** Ryan Seacrest wants me!

**Joanne:** Girl, please.

**Benny:** (appears) Hello.

**All:** WHAT THE & BENNY!

**Benny:** Hey. My dog died.

**Angel:** Duh.

**Benny:** Mark, take my picture…cheese!

**Mark:** (grumbles again) Tease.

**Benny:** Oh and I slept with Mimi.

**Roger:** WHAT! WE WERE IN A RLTNSHP ON FACEBOOK!1!mrfj!

**Mimi:** Facebook?

**Roger:** WTF MIMI. (calms down) Okay. Whatever I don't care as long as no one on MySpace knows.

**Benny:** I posted a bulletin.

**Roger:** ARGHHHH! (hides)

Benny: Here's free rent and drama. Toodles!

Mimi: I guess I'm going back to smack.

_2 months later…_

**Mark:** Lonely…I'm so lonely…

**Maureen:** Shut up, Pookie.

**Joanne:** STOP FLIRTING WITH EVERYONE!

**Maureen:** I didn't pierce my nipples just because…

**Mark:** Wait…you pierced your nipples? (BONER)

**Maureen:** Anywho...Joanne?

**Joanne:** I win. Goodbye. (leaves)

**Maureen:** (pout)

**Mimi:** (sitting) Without you, the heart beats, the DMV still hires bitchy people, McDonald's never cooks their fries long enooouughh…

**Roger:** (sitting somewhere else FAR away from Mimi)

Dear MySpace Blog,

Well today I ate a ham sandwich. And shaved one of Mark's eyebrows off while he was asleep though I don't think anyone will notice because Mark has those white eyebrows that look like an albino's and his skin is really pale because he spends most of his time masterb- wait, I miss Mimi. (cries)

Kisses,

Roger Davis

_(WRITER kills stupid paperclip Microsoft Word thing because she is NOT writing a damn letter.)_

**Angel:** Hey. I'm almost dead. I should totally die in a sweaty stretchy parachute with my dearest friends. Minus Mark and Roger because they are stupid.

**Collins:** Sweet!

**Angel:** (dies)

**Collins:** Not sweet. Sad. **:'(**

Halloween…

**Mark:** I have no life but I don't know why. (thinks) Oh right. I have this scarf. I knew it was a bad purchase…

**Roger:** I'm leaving and getting a car. Because I have a driver's license when I've been poor and emotionally unstable.

**Mimi:** Don't leave!

**Maureen:** Benny, go to hell!

**Benny:** Wha?

**Joanne:** Maureen, you don't just tell people to go to hell!

**Maureen:** WHA-

**Joanne:** Talk to the hand.

**Collins:** HEY take a chill pill.

**Mark:** Yeah…

**Roger:** LEAVING…

**Mimi:** BYEEEE

**Mark:** Roger, we need Dr. Phil.

**Roger:** No, he's fat and bald. I'm going. You need a life. Get MySpace.

**Mark:** (grumbles)

**Mimi:** Help me.

**Mark:** Okay. Don't take drugs.

**Mimi:** Oops, my bad. Sry.

_In Sante Fe…_

**Roger:** Too many tacos. I miss Mimi. (leaves)

_Back in NYC…_

**Mark:** (sigh) I miss Roger. Ryan Seacrest keeps touching me in the wrong places. I quit.

**Roger:** I'm back!

**Mark:** WHEE! (bounce) Now I don't have to masturb- I mean WATCH MY FILMS alone anymore!

**Roger:** YAY! Where's Mimi? I left her a comment but she hasn't returned the favor. That makes me pissed.

**Mark:** Oh, um, okay.

**Maureen:** MARK! ROGER! We found Mimi!

**Roger:** OO! MIMI!

**Mimi:** (cough) Hi.

**Roger:** I wrote you a song!

_Ha…I just died in your arms tonight!_

_Must have been something you said._

**Mark:** Er, Rog, bad choice.

**Roger:** (captain obvious) Oh. Right. Here's another:

_Smile for me daddy (whatcha lookin' at?),_

_Lemme see ya grill (you wanna see my what!)_

_Ya, ya grill, ya ya ya grill,_

_Rob the jewelry store and tell them make me a grill!_

**Mimi:** Erm, beautiful?

**Roger:** You're alive! (hug, kiss, hump)

**All:** Yay! But we wanted Angel…oh well. Mimi's good enough.

**RENTheads:** WTF! SOOO cliché! S'okay tho.

Fin.

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_**For all of you who don't know, FACEBOOK is for college (and high school grrr) students and it's pretty addicting. And being "In A Relationship" with someone on Facebook is pretty major…I know a girl who was pissed because the guy she was dating didn't accept her relationship request. **_

_**I know…ridiculous. But I hope you enjoyed! **_


	3. MR Uncovered

**Okay, so I'm browsing stories and I see a lot of MR…I like MR, I think it's fabulous, but I found out that there's a pattern some (if not all) follow. This is my take on the storyline of a typical MR story…don't be offended if you write MR. This just popped in my head.**

**

* * *

**

_A Typical Mark/Roger Fic  
(Some Stories May Vary)_

**Mark:** I'm lonely and won't eat. Watch me starve into oblivion.

**Roger:** Where's Mimi? Oh right…(whispers) I'm secretly gay.

**Mark:** I'm secretly gay, too. Actually, I was gay all through _Rent _and only dated Maureen so we could both talk about being gay together. I'll just stare into your blue-green eyes while you tell me about the orgy at the Life Café.

**Roger:** …and then Angel came back in a magical silhouette and touched me in my privates and I _liked_ it!

**Mark:** (sigh)

**Roger:** But I'm _not_ gay.

**Mark:** Bummer.

**Collins, Mimi:** (die of AIDS)

_FUNERAL, etc._

**Mark:** I'm leaving.

**Roger:** The pain is SO OVERWHELMING. (cries)

**Mark:** (comfort)

**Mark, Roger:** (make out)…(screw)…(screw again)…(and again).

**Roger:** Hmm…your scarf has such delicious ways of having me make love to you.

**Mark:** (giggles) I know.

Mark and Roger vacation in Europe, adopt a kid/MPreg themselves, and Roger dies a teary and quiet death from AIDS. THE END.


End file.
